Omake!Blog

Submitted on: September 4th, 2010

I’ve blogged about not being able to let go of important people. Particularly, an old best friend of mine, Jes.

I’ve just always thought there was some chance we could be close again, so I never fully cut it off. I didn’t want to permanently sever that last string of hope until I was sure we’d never get that far again. How would I make sure? We’d have… quite a talk, I suppose. But, by chance, maybe on purpose – she said something that made the severing process easier, and let me know that it was okay for it to take place in the first place.

Jes and I were over our friend Karri’s, and Jes says she forgot to hang out with a friend today, because she completely forgot. This leads to her saying she mainly hangs out with Cush, to which Karri and I go, “I know.” She then says she doesn’t feel like she’s being herself when she’s not around him.

That line did it for me.

I immediately knew we were done. Now, that’s not to say I hate her, but it means I’m done chasing her and being hurt. Of course, I can’t detach myself from people immediately, but the process has begun. She’s a great person, and we had our time together, but it’s time I move on and let go. Of course we’ll be cordial, but I’m just about past my bitter phase.

I won’t be going out of my way to hang out with her, but if we so happen to cross paths, I’ll say hi and chat and all that.

I guess I just needed to know why she was with him constantly and wouldn’t hang out with me alone/wouldn’t really speak to me… I needed to know if our best-friend-relationship was salvageable. If she isn’t comfortable being herself without her boyfriend there, then I don’t think it is. She has a great relationship with him, and I can see that she becomes who she was when we were best friends, when he’s around.

When at dinner with Karri, Bri and I (Jes’s boyfriend wasn’t there), she seemed awkward. Given, we were definitely talking about ShopRite a lot (only Jes hasn’t worked there), and I did shoot her a bit of bitterness at one point, to which she reacted very timidly. Very surprising. She couldn’t play it off. She apologized. She said she stopped smoking cigarettes months ago, and I said, a bit bitterly, and a bit joking, “Way to not TELL ME, Jes…” and she just timidly said sorry, and then, “I still smoke, just not cigarettes.” I’m pretty sure she feels awkward without her boyfriend there.

He seems to be a good guy who honestly loves her, truly. So, that’s awesome. He’s probably one of my favorites as far as friends’ boyfriends go. No, it’s not just that he reads Naruto…

…it is part of it though.

But… letting go. It’s easier when there’s closure. To me, that reason is closure. I think I’m passing that part in my life, where I can let go of her.

Posted by Amber | 1 Comment »

Submitted on: August 30th, 2010

For a long, long while, I felt inadequate going to a community college. However… I feel frickin’ amazing right now. >:)~

After two years at Ocean County College, I want to transfer to a university… but what one, is the question? And will my credits transfer? How many? Would it be worth it to even go to OCC for two years? It all depends on how many classes/credits will transfer over.

The answer, after carefully comparing my major’s degree program at OCC and the other prospective university…? Yes, it’s definitely worth it.

I’m thinking of going to NJIT, so I found my way over to the Course Equivalency page (specifically for OCC –> NJIT) on NJ Transfer’s website. I was very, very happy when I saw the results.

If I work my ass off, I really could manage to transfer over to NJIT as a Junior, majoring in Computer Science (BA). I’m really only behind on Math. It’s not that I’m not good at math – I just haven’t had math in a year and a half, and my Pre-Calc is lacking (… even though my Calc is kind of awesome >:] Great Calc teacher, piss poor Pre-Calc teacher).

My tuition and books are completely covered for this whole year at OCC, so I’ll be taking classes that I *KNOW* I won’t have to retake at a university (where I’d have to pay to take them)!

I want to commute, too. The drive from where my Dad lives is only 30 mins away from NJIT, and that’s the same as my commute to OCC. I’m seriously saving myself sooo much money. If I were to have dormed at NJIT for two years, that would have cost me about $38,000. So I’m saving myself THAT much money. God, I feel sexay.

If my Dad winds up moving before I go to NJIT, I’ll dorm. But I’ve still saved myself an tooon of money.

I’m off to kill myself at ShopRite. Later~~

Posted by Amber | No Comments »

Submitted on: August 19th, 2010
Tags: Chiropractor
Plugs: lexis, Kitty,

For some reason, a lot of people are skeptical about chiropractors. A lot of people also don’t consider their work to be necessary at all, too. But I definitely, definitely do.

For about a year and a half now, I’ve had some pretty bad neck pain. I once went to the hospital because the pain got particularly bad (Didn’t take Advil in the morning before school, to see just how bad the pain would get if I didn’t kill it early on). After that, I went to my pediatrician… who recommended a chiropractor. My dad’s been seeing a chiropractor for 10 years, so naturally I went to his.

The treatment helped quite a bit! I had only been getting treated for the pain in my neck for about 3-4 months, until I moved. The pain wasn’t that bad for a while after I stopped going, but then… it began to get bad again. It was never actually fixed. I was just beginning to get better, and then suddenly treatment was cut off because of the move. Naturally, everything shifted back to the way it was before I got weekly adjustments.

The chiropractor I go to now actually came to where I work, and gave the employees free massages (yes I got one, and yes, it was godly). They offered each employee a free consultation; free x-rays and everything. So, I thought, why the hell not. My neck is only getting worse because I haven’t had treatment – for a year, now – and it’s free. So, I go.

Let’s just say, my neck is kind of in bad shape. At the point I’m at, the damage is reversible. I kind of caught it just in time. I’m at the end of Phase 1 (there are three phases; in each phase, your neck bone/etc gets progressively worse in several areas). Phase 1 is the only phase in which the damage done is reversible. Thank. Frickin’. God.

Your neck is supposed to have a natural curve, so it can support your head easily. Mine doesn’t have a curve AT ALL. It also leans forward by 33mm. I’m gonna be honest: When I saw the x-ray, and when he asked me if I knew where I was according to the three Phases – I was scared. He asked me, “Do you know what Phase you’re in?” and I said, “I don’t even want to know.” It looked worse than the Phase 1 picture, and I was trying to convince myself that I wasn’t into Phase 2 yet. Being in Phase 2 would be seriously scary, because that isn’t reversible. I would never be completely normal. I then guessed, “Between Phase 1 and Phase 2?” and he said, “Yes. You’re actually at the end of Phase 1.” Relief.

Before they developed the x-rays, they asked me if I had a parent who could accompany me when I sat down with them to hear the results – in case they were particularly bad. I said no, I’d be okay. They just took the x-rays before asking me this, so I figured they just said that to everyone. But when I saw my x-ray and got kind of scared, I really knew why they asked me that. It probably would have been better if I had someone there, but I handled it nicely.

At this point, I knew I needed treatment again. I really, really needed it. I showed them my insurance card, and they worked out how much I’d have to pay for 30 sessions. They said since my neck is bad, I’d need to go three times a week for ten weeks, just to start out. They gave me three different payment plans, and all of them were expensive. My insurance covered most of it, so I’d have to pay only $13 per session. That’s great and all, but… that’s a lot of money! When I go to school I won’t be making nearly as much. I asked him if I could call my dad about this…

I told my dad everything I knew. And my dad says, “Our chiropractor waved the copay. I’m a retired police officer on a fixed income, so they waived it. We’re gonna have to see what’s more cost effective – for you to drive up here and see our chiropractor for free, or for you to pay this guy… Ask them if they can lower the copay at all.”

I’m thinking, “No, no, they won’t lower it.” But when I told them I what I was discussing with my father, they told me that they would work with me. So I said to them, “Uh… I’m… not really… I don’t want to say I can pay $5 a session if I can’t, you know? I’m not really sure what’s on the table here.” And he goes to me, “If you can’t pay any of the copay, you don’t have to.”

I was the happiest girl ever. I went from super scared, to, “Oh my god, I’m going to get fixed! YES!” – happy.

My hours at ShopRite are going to be severely cut. I’m going to be driving to school, so most of my money will be going to gas. I would definitely not be able to pay for chiropractic treatment. I desperately need it, too, so I’m just so, so happy that they aren’t making me pay the copay.

The person that was discussing the x-rays and the payment plans was actually the manager. While I was talking to my father, he gave me some privacy and left the room. When he came back in after one of my last phone calls to my father/grandfather, he told me, “I was talking to Dr. Lance, and he told me that if you can’t pay the copay, you don’t have to. He says that out of all of the x-rays he’s seen today (around 10), yours is the worst. He really just wants to help you.” Scary, but relieving at the same time. Definitely had mixed feelings about what he said.

I feel like I jump around when I write in my blog. It bugs me.

Anyway, that’s life. Later~

Posted by Amber | 2 Comments »

Submitted on: August 8th, 2010
Plugs: lexis,

Recently, I’ve been talking to Jes more. It appears that I won’t ever give up on her, which I guess isn’t a bad thing. No matter how far away she is, I don’t think I’ll ever just let the rope be cut.

Also recently, I spoke to my dad, and he actually didn’t sound stressed as a motherfucker, which was nice. XD Next time I come up to his house, I’m gonna talk to him about getting a chiropractor near me to help loosen my neck up. I think it might be covered by insurance. I did have my pediatrician actually recommend a chiropractor, and I could have my old chiropractor (that my dad still sees) send the x-rays and all that, since he’s awesome. Time will tell. o.o

Been trying to brighten Stephen’s outlook on job hunting even though the skies have been looking gray for a while now. As long as he keeps going, things will turn around. But it’s hard to think that way when it’s YOUR head the rain cloud is over… so that’s why I’m usin’ AMBA POWA to kick his batooty. >:)

Bruce, my desktop (named after Batman), will be here Wednesday or Thursday. I’m excited for his arrival, and I will be taking pictures of him when he arrives. <3 Byeee~

Posted by Amber | 1 Comment »

Submitted on: August 6th, 2010
Tags: rant
Plugs: Kat,

Every month, I get extremely, extremely, extremely emotional right before my period. Last month, I was actually thinking of breaking up with Stephen. Of course I told him about it. I’m not sure how he deals with these outbursts, but he does. Every month, he says, I get very emotional around he time of my period about one thing in particular: him not being here.

He wants to move to Jersey, get a job, get an apartment – even if I’m not living with him right away – and live life. Every time he says this, I shoot it down. I tell him, “Apartments are expensive. You need to save money up before you come here. I can’t ask Candi for you to stay here, no matter how much I want to. She shouldn’t even be housing me.” Call me a downer, but I just don’t want to daydream about things that aren’t realistically in the near future.

His parents grew up living on scraps together (then his dad went off to to the military for 20 some years). His dad and Brenda made the rent, but didn’t have a lot of other things… like food. But they were together. I can see Stephen seeing this as, “See, they did it. We love each other. We can do this.” But I’m wary. If I live on my own, I want to be independent. I want to be absolutely sure that I can take care of myself. I don’t want to have to ask for money. If something on my car breaks and I live on my own, and I don’t have enough savings to fix it – what the hell can I do? Bus everywhere? People from work have shown me NJ Transit is NOT reliable. The bus will actually PASS you when you’re standing in plain sight. In the daytime. It sucks.

Now I learn that my dad wants to leave us all and go to Colorado. I understand: he wants to just chill. Everyone is leaning on him for the answers… he wants to relax. But that doesn’t make it any easier. Bri says he sounds pretty serious this time. She’s saying he wants to send Jake down to Florida with my mother, send Bri to Candi’s house with me, ditch Grandpa and just leave. He can’t keep doing this. I feel bad enough that Candi has had to be my mother my entire life. If I got paid well enough, I’d either stay and help pay bills with her, or get my own place.

For some reason, I can’t stop being upset over Jes throwing me away. I can’t. I can’t let go of people – not ever completely. It pisses me off. I’m so disposable, yet I can’t let go of one person? Not even one?

I went to a psychic yesterday. At first, I thought what she said was bullshit. It was a $5 reading, so this pretty much sums it up:

1. You’re very kind-hearted. (she said this several times, lol)
   
   - My friend Chris was like, “Wtf, I could tell you you were nice for five bucks.” I have a “I luv every1″ face. It’s easy.
2. Your aura is yellow. It is a positive energy.
3. Every time I take a couple steps forward, I go more steps backward.
   
   - I didn’t agree at first. I was really happy at the time.
4. Even in a room full of people, I feel alone.
   
   - Last night, when I was extremely upset, I did feel alone. It was like 2am, no one was up. I tried texting Jes, got no reply. I don’t even know why I keep trying. Tried texting Denise, got no reply. I didn’t try anyone else because I knew that it was too late to call (Stephen) or they had work early in the morning (almost every single one of my friends). I came back in from sitting in my car to calm down, and Bri said I looked like I got hit by a truck. I looked at my eyes, and they were fucking dark as hell. Note to self: don’t cry and try to hide it.
5. I wear a smile on my face, but inside, I’m actually sad.
   
   - I can’t hide my emotions very well, but I hide it front of people I don’t want to tell things to.
6. I’m still hurt from past love.
   
   - I was like, “Wtf I’ve only ever had the boyfriend I’m with now.” And then Christina went, “What about Katie…?” and I was like, “Huh. You’re right.”
7. I feel like people take advantage of my kindness.
   
   - Not so much actually. I know they don’t.
8. Something about not sleeping very well?

None of these things really came to mind, then. It all came after. I only learned about this depressing stuff wayyy after. Bah.

Anyway, at least Bruce is shipped. Should be here Wednesday or Thursday. I can’t wait to see my schedule to see if I’ll actually be here when I’m supposed to get it.

Posted by Amber | 1 Comment »